Jehovah Jireh

Then a scribe came and said to Him, “Teacher, I will follow You wherever You go.” Jesus said to him, “The foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.”


Had an interesting moment this morning.    I had just woken up at 6:45 A.M. after a pretty good night’s sleep, making my transition from back to (stretch) front, when a spanking new, probably $40,000.+, large, white, SUV pulled up, full of ladies in long, pretty, floral dresses.  Four of them step out, and they set out, two by two.  Of course, two walk up to my entry way/living room, and as I do not have proper pocket doors yet installed, I can not hide away discreetly in my home’s rear portion.  So hair disheveled, teeth unbrushed, face unwashed, looking every bit as I do each morning, as one who has secretly lived once again through atrocities of the Holocaust the whole night through, I smile sweetly through my blurry, toe jammed window, with a mouth full of morning shit sandwich.

They were coming to share the Lord with me, which is nice.  But I had gone to see “Son of God” at the theatre just the night before, crying through all the right moments, and sometimes not so right moments, as it wasn’t the best interpretation put to celluloid.  So I held up the two bible verses sitting on my car/home dash.  Showing them that yes, I am a believer, and though while I believe in prosperity, I don’t necessarily hold to outward, this world,  prosperity being the real or right message of our Lord Jesus Christ.  “I am going through a season in time, I said to them.  “And God is with me all of the way.”  At this point I began crying.  Not because I didn’t believe in the story that I was telling, but because I could tell that they didn’t.  And it is a terrible thing being caught looking both so ugly and so pitiable, with an unclean house at that.  (I wasn’t prepared for visitors.)  “Well be warmed and be filled,” they might as well have said, right before walking off, leaving me with no bread, money, or phone number for shelter or resources, but two Jehovah Witness magazines.

I am in no position to judge them.  I, too, am an imperfect witness.



When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn’t he have a right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to put waste inside?  Romans 9:21

Part of belief (knowledge) of dualism is knowing that in order for their to be those who are pursuing a spiritual path, there must also likewise be those who are pursuing a path that is altogether devoid of spirit, and to be accepting of this.  And so it becomes about choosing which path is true to you.  What expression is who and what you have been manifest in this space and time to represent for our most Holy God?   What altogether perfect aspect of the most High God are you? The sacred or the profane?  His essence, which is light, or the dark he has also allowed (created) with the express purpose to display his light within?  Are you the informed or the non intelligent?  Are you the part of God who loves and believes?  (Oh fortunate son.)  Or are you the part of God who has been allowed, for a time and season at least, the illusions of lack of love and disbelief?  (Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.)  All are equally important.  All are either God or the display(bookcase) of God.  Therefore, all are holy.

No matter who and where you are,  existence, by it’s nature, has made you perfect and holy.  All is perfect.  All is very well.

“One day in 1910, Thomas Hunt Morgan peered through a hand lens at a male fruit fly, and he noticed it didn’t look right.”

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.  Psalm 30:5

I get a few letters.  One of my favorite pen pals that has come about since the Missouri Water Park incident, has been with a man who goes by the pseudonym of Tom Morgan.  I wanted to share the following dialogue, because I know this man’s heart, with it’s masculine and human issues reaching out is not alone, nor is my feminine heart with it’s expression alone, in the reaching back in a very basic and human response to him.  The issues we all deal with are humanistic, societal, and somewhat unique to our time.   And then again, not at all.  The echos that arise in the chambers of this man’s heart (throughout several correspondences) apparently are:

Does life have a purpose?  And if so, what might that purpose be?

And so we have a theme, which past the point of bare and basic survival, and playing the “game” of life, has been the historical and lifelong theme of humanity itself.

The purpose my friends is love -and the higher things of love, which include honor, respect, and truthfulness to a fault -the very nature of honesty transcending all fault.  Love itself is the very theme and purpose of this life, and without love, life has no meaning outside of pleasure and survival.  You work.  You play.  You mate.  You die.  You wish to hell that you understood why.

Let me tell you something as basic as a fairy book story, as good as a great Disney Movie, and as profoundly tragic and also beautiful as a strung up God on a cross.  You were born into this world to Love.  In whatever shape or matter you are able to summon up and cause this form to rise- or in whatever natural, or seemingly unnatural form, it naturally arises.    No matter what conquest, gain, power, dominance, sense of authority, personal actualization you achieve in this lifetime- a life void of love is a sad and vacuous dream- like a beautifully designed, yet empty house, filled with no sounds of laughter.

-Love has always been holy.

In order to love another, you first must love yourself.  And not lip service love.  Not, “I want to make myself feel good because I am a selfish creature that likes to feel good love.”  But you must love yourself in the way that you love something honorable and worthy.  Which means you must dig for and uncover the honor and the worth that lives inside of you.  It is there.

The things you have given energy to have grown stronger inside of you.  But you can begin the process of choking out those weeds.  You can become a selective consumer -better word, CREATOR-  of the person that you are today, and the person that you can be, and will become tomorrow.

Let’s go treasure hunting.  Shall we?

  • I think I’ll go with…no. You’re right, I’m sick to death of myself and it’s because I’ve tried to make a man out of a dog. There is not a woman on this earth worth any time or effort that won’t stab you in the back or in some cases have the decency to look you in the eye while they cut out your heart and feed it to you. Men and women are equally a joke and disposable. We all claim to look for something deep and vast, yet none are capable of both and in some cases, either! There are those deeper than any ocean but about as broad a drinking glass and others who are vast and interesting but don’t even require you to roll up your pant legs with their depth. We are looking for God in mere mortals and wonder why we are persistently disappointed? This world is a salad bar and we all take turns being the customer and being menu items. I’m sick to death of being on the menu. I’m sick to death of trying to be Godly when God has nothing to do with ANYTHING that runs thru my mind on a daily basis, as I’m stuck in the sorrows of the past, the misery of the present and/or the bleakness of the future. Nothing that makes me smile waits for me down any road and I am sick to death of choking on this loathsome bitter existence.  So if I’ll find no peace in my life, I’ll settle for a little piece in my life and settle for the depths of vagina than the depth of souls (which is fine since that’s deeper than any soul in this world) and the depths of any other orifice anyone wants to offer up for a sacrificial stabbing. This world consists of nothing but junkies looking for their next rush, so fuck it! I have neither a place in God’s world nor his kingdom. “Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up. Man bursts into tears. ‘But doctor,’ he says, ‘I AM Pagliacci’…..Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.” – Rorschack/Watchmen

  • You’ve had too much of one, and you’re ready for the other.  It is there if you look for it- but you also have to believe in it.  Which means you first have to harvest, nurture, and believe in it within yourself.  You threw away your innocence.  Now purposefully seize it back.  Period.

     And remember to be grateful for experiencing the contrast, and having the right to choose.
     We only have the capacity to see the thing that we are.  Work on creating the depth of your own soul, in order that you might see the potential depth in others.
    You said:   “We are looking for God in mere mortals and wonder why we are persistently disappointed?
    Great line/thought, and I remember when you suggested I relieve myself from this sense of obligation.
    Another Ode To Love, Because We All Know It’s True.  Yes, We All Know It’s True.  Dig Deep. Become Unburied.
    Resurrect Your Golden Boy.
    Great Joy.

And I have marshmallow running all down my chin…..

“I do not think they asked why they were dying, but why they had lived. When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be too practical is madness. To surrender dreams — this may be madness. To seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness — and maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be.”
-  Dale Wasserman:  Man of La Mancha

“The only performance that makes it, that makes it all the way is the one that achieves madness.”  
―     Mick Jagger

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.”

 - Allen Ginsberg
Quotes like this sound great until you find out that Allen Ginsberg was strung up by his entrails for an obscure act of nonconformity.  Sometimes I worry about myself.  Am I living a life that is based upon pithy inspirational mantras coasting along facebook walls?  Am I trying to take the meant to be known (what everybody else knows as) ‘that’s just dreaming-that’s just hope filled spiel” …and misinterpreting these things as a thing that can actually be accomplished?  Quitting the old life?  Starting the new?  Jumping off the lilly pad of Misery onto a bird of Paradise…..can this be done?  Is this thing allowed?  Am I potentially looking to a big moon pie in the sky and attempting to take a bite out of a thing that does not even exist? Transformational joy…against all odds success? Could this in fact be m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-madness?
I don’t actually know anything about Allen Ginsberg, or what became of him.  But I hope that it was great.

Because Women (And Men) Have Souls

Sitting outside Honolulu FItness, about to take my oversized (God I love you) ass in….about to encounter and reencounter every last fear and body shame based inhibition, and I was thinking before I go in that I had something to say.  Now for the life of me I can’t remember what.  Oh yes.  Timing.  And God’s timing.  And God’s perfect order, whether we see it or not.

I do not find it coincidental that two weeks before I brought myself to Hawaii that I was thrown out of a water park for body issues.  (This time not my own, but theirs.)  I find it intriguing that two weeks before I leave everyone I have ever known and loved behind me, two years into severe man fear and semi-hatred, after a fucked up, fresh out of the gate, post 23 year marriage relationship…..I have a moment of bizarre online sensation that leads to a 4000 facebook following, 99% of which is…….men.

And I have to laugh, because these men have turned out to be my ‘friends’.  Friends/acquaintance while I am far from home.  And they are understanding of me.  And they have listened to my pain.  And they have dealt with my accusations.  And they have sat (mostly) patiently with my story.

And it was a man who caused me pain. And most of these men have caused other women pain. At least once.  At least at one time in their lifetimes.

But these are men that are trying (some of them) to be good.  And there are some of these men out there trying, maybe at long last, to be men of honor.  And I do believe that maybe there are even men listening and understanding, and thinking, “Oh hell,” and “Holy fuck,” and maybe even…”I don’t ever want to hurt a person like that.”

And there are men remembering, somewhere through the haze of porn recalling, “These are our sisters…..our mothers…..our daughters…..our cousins.”  And, maybe I don’t want to see such things happening to the likes of them. And maybe I would like to stand up for their honor. And maybe, just maybe, I will pay attention to what kind of porn habits I am developing, and what kind of tastes and proclivities it is drawing my mind toward.  And maybe, just maybe, I will protect my heart a little bit more, so I can rise up and be a hero, and be the good guy in some woman’s story, instead of just being their big bad wolf.”

And I know that God works all things for the good of those that are in Christ Jesus.  And that for those who are searching, he can always be found.

Locusts And Honey

I decided early this morning, or was it late last night, that I am learning to be single for the first time in my life, and I should cut myself some breaks.  My brain operates in one hundred percent tragedy or one hundred percent comedy mode at a time, so if I am not laughing about something, I am crying, and I much prefer to laugh.

No, I got married at 19.  So I never had to encounter gentleman douchebags before.  And now I’ve met two of them.  I actually did luck out-fortunate enough- to marry a rare man of honor, and one who never cheated on me.  One who didn’t even have a pornography problem.  Though he did have his Cinemax moments.

Which brings to mind to me…. how can any of you ladies be feeling valued when your significant other is choosing celluloid to your flesh and bone spirit?

There is a weakness in man to prefer illusion to the reality.  There is a weakness in some women to promote that illusion for big (to them) money.

I am alone with my ocean.  I love a God called Faithful and True.  God, I love it that  this is your name.

Faithful and true.  Faithful and true.  Faithful and true.

Lord God, send me a prophet.  I want a man who cares nothing for the things of the world, and only for the things of you.  And of me.

My Lord God sends me a beautiful prophet, and in each other we find delicious satisfaction.

Skinny Love

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.  Galatians 1:10
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God–this is your true and proper worship.”  Romans 12:1

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
For they shall be filled.  Matthew 5:6

The world will reward you for ridiculous, self serving, narcissistic behavior. Which is why the world is such a mess (but how we love it).  I never received more adulation or positive attention than the time period I was on, taking self pictures every week and posting them up for outward approval.  I was also in the process of tearing down my family with my own hands at the time: Narcissistic females seldom make good mothers- and I have a lot of regret from that time period of my life.  But damn, did the world reward me well.

I have grown.  I have gracefully, or very ungracefully matured, to seeing that the way the world  is turning, churning, or perhaps, how it always has been, is not in line with my inner values-the values I had before I fell off the deep end of worldy behavior.  Which is that even though the world will reward you for superficiality and very selfishly oriented behaviors- the world will make you “Alpha”- the world will make you King or Queen- this is not the kingdom I am after.

I was thinking yesterday how Christ out in the wilderness was tempted by three things.  Hunger, power, and possessions.  He was not tempted with sexuality, and I have to wonder if this is because he would not have passed the test.

The point of this is to say that my desire to take excellent care of myself is now, and always has been in deep and heavy conflict with what it means to be a “good person”.  Meaning, to be frumpy, dumpy, =good person.  To have a body that looks as though it was built for sin, means to invite, beckon, and welcome sin in.

So I have been living in Hawaii, land of the beautiful, home of the “we’ve been dieting for 12 weeks in preparation for this” tourists, and I have not been taking care of myself, in the sowing towards a strong, healthy, and beautiful body sense.

Why, but because it was a strong, healthy, and beautiful body that took my family away from me.  It was a strong, healthy, and beautiful body that had my heart broken in Key West, Florida, because I learned a powerful lesson that a strong, healthy and beautiful body is not made for honor but built for shame.

So I cry silently at the Aina Haina McDonalds, with my new gym membership on my key chain, and I know that the temptations of Jesus are not the temptations of Maddi.  I care not for power and possessions.  And my hunger is not for food.

But like my Christ, who I adore, I have a heavenly father who cares for me, and who will absolutely not allow his dear Maddi to be dashed upon the rocks, as long as she sets her eyes on him.